May 18, 2007

I just started reading The Monkey’s Raincoat by Robert Crais. It was his first published novel (way back in 1987), and it’s a Phillip Marlow style PI book. It’s great so far. The guy has some fantastic characters and an awesome flare for the first person narrative.

Of course whenever I hear anything with the word Monkey in it, I’m reminded of the story The Monkey’s Paw. And that of course makes me wonder what I would do if I found one and how it might change my life.

My first wish would be to end world hunger. Ahhh but that’s dangerous isn’t it? Because the curse of The Monkey’s Paw is that all though the wish will come true, it may come true in a way you don’t expect… and maybe in a way you wouldn’t approve of… maybe even in a way that is worse than the problem in the first place.

But you say, what could be worse than world hunger? Suppose the way the Paw ended world hunger was by having a plague wipe out everyone on the earth except you. You would have an endless supply of food (can goods, freeze dried, etc.) but no one to share them with.

So you have to be careful.

That’s why I think it would be too risky and selfish to take a chance on hurting everyone on the planet, or even people in my state or city, without their permission. So the only way to be truly respectful of others is to only endanger myself.

So, let’s say my goal is to be dirty, stinky, filthy rich (ur… that way I can help others safely). What would I wish? Let’s see… I have to be very careful with the wording of my wish… don’t want to get rich by collecting on my wife or children’s insurance policy… don’t want to get it by robbing a bank or counterfeiting where I could end up in prison for the rest of my life. Oh, and I have to be careful about not dying right after I collect.

You see the problem? It’s a dicey situation. One must use one’s intellect before making a rash wish.

Okay what about this? I would rub the Paw while wishing this, I want to own a one foot by one foot square box that fills with pure gold every time I empty it, and I want gold to never lose its current value, and I want the world economy to remain fairly constant with America never becoming impoverished.

There, that should do it. Airtight. Or is it? I better think about this. Let’s see, what could go wrong?

Hmmmm…. Okay start with the box and me. The size of the box seems good, but wait…what if it filled while floating above my head and then dropped on top of me when full? Or what if I shrunk and was inside the box while it filled crushing me? Or what if the box was really made of four feet—human feet—decaying human feet—ugh.

A few modifications then. Same wish except it isn’t four “feet” it’s four sides, a top and bottom of twelve inches each. The box is always on a stable surface and not allowed to hurt me at all. I am not to shrink…or grow…or blow up or anything like that…and come to think of it I want to be immortal and uh…invulnerable…yeah that’s it…like superman. In fact I want to be Superman, with all his powers…only not in a comic book or movie or anything like that…real…only my parents aren’t dead and my planet didn’t explode and I’m still from Earth and the here and now. Oh and there aren’t any super villains that can kill me. And no Kryptonite….or magic…er…except for my magic gold box.

Whew, this gets tough. But I think that will do it…wait-wait-wait…not so fast little sneaky Monkey Paw. I wasn’t born yesterday night…or yesterday at night…no…I was born yesterday…but not at night? No, I was born at night but not yesterday night…argh. Back to the testing.

I wanted to be Superman but what if the Paw made me a Bizzaro Superman, or made the sun red? Still too many loopholes. This will take more work—a lot more work. But I have writing to do. Still… which is more important? By writing I could become a world famous author, wealthy, doing a job I love and where I could stay home and be with my family.
But….

If I get the wish down right I could be the ruler of the universe, with unlimited power, and eternal life, and all the riches of the galaxy…oh…and I could help others too.

Of course I would have to find The Monkey’s Paw too, but after getting the wish right that part should be easy.

Writing—Monkey Paw—writing—Monkey Paw—it’s a balancing act, very tight…but I think—all things considered—and for the good of humanity—

Not a Bizzaro Superman, and the world isn’t bizzaro while I’m normal either…and no other dimensions or red sun or…